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-The Editor (who is understaffed and lacks an abudance of time.)

CCM Pop Group Goes Emo

 In a recent interview with Christian music pop sensation ZOEgirl, the members announced a sudden change in genre - And not only the style of their music. "I've known the girls for a long time now and this is really surprising to see them take action on what was really their passion in the first place," states an old high-school friend of the group that has asked to be unnamed. "Once in the past few months I made a surprise visit to see how they were doing. I found them listening to Death Cab For a Cutie crying over the passion and emotion of the music and all wearing black converse. I knew at that time that this is the real them."

 With three albums out and a large fan base of cheerleaders, there is no doubt this will come as a shock to a large group of religious music listeners. Especially with their newest album coming out in a few months entitled Heavenly Army Romance as well as the official change of their name from ZOEgirl to The Zoeana Theory. This information may be a little confusing while pondering the fact that only several months back they came out with their latest album, Different Kind of Free. The album seemed completely normal and parallel with their CCM style...Or at least what everyone thought it was. Member Chrissy Conway comments, "I guess now that the word is out we'll go ahead and tell you how we actually came up with the name of our last album Different Kind of Free. It involved what was to come. It was really just us talking about our future plans or changing our faces in the music world and becoming who we really are - emo. Our attempt to make this work might be difficult because of the style of our voices but we're totally going to do our best. I've been buying a lot of new clothes for this."

 So you see, a Different Kind of Free is simply the freedom of emotion. The girls later stated their faith remains the same, Jesus is number one, but their "groove is just different now." When the Christian Inquirer asked for more information on the reason they started pop in the beginning, we simply received a very impatient "No more comments."

New Rival Enters Christian Tabloid Market by Sydney Gage

The wildly popular Contemporary Christian Music website, CmCentral.com, announced today that it was entering the fairly small Christian Tabloid Market.

A spokeperson for the website stated in a press conference today, "We didn't want to be equivocated with CCM Magazine, and instead took the opposite route and joined other publications [The Christian Inquirer] in the quest for the inside truth."

Sources inside the organization say recent visitor hits have been steadily declining since ex-editor Robin Parrish left the website, due to other interests.

"To be quite honest, stirring controversy was the only way of escape," one anonymous columnist said, "It worked for Janet Jackson, John Kerry, and Sean Hannity. Why can't we use it?"

 Indeed, the first article was posted early this morning, causing many readers to become confused.

" It sounds really cool, but I can't help but think that this really IS some kind of April Fool's Day joke, in spite of the "this is no joke" tag on the end," declared a frequenter on CmCentral's message boards.

Oddly enough, no protests were held outside the offices of the website, contrast to the hoards of protesters decrying the mission of The Christian Inquirer, though one threatening note did arrive in the mail stating, "Repent, c-lying-rocker, repent!"

  Editor's Note (03/06/04): It has come to my attention through feedback that some of our readers are confused about the Christian Inquirer.  This online newspaper is meant to reveal the inside scoop of the large, ever expanding world of CCM.  If readers feel uncomfortable with the content of our news stories, they should turn to the antithesis of this publication, CCM Magazine. Again, we apologize for any confusion experienced by our unsuspecting readers. 

Regards,

The Editor  

By Sydney Gage

In a strange and rather bizarre twist concerning the War on Terror, the Pentagon announced last Tuesday that CCM punk/pop group, Relient K, actually aided in the capturing of notorious Iraqi leader, Sadaam Hussein.

An anonymous Pentagon official informed The Christian Inquirer during an exclusive interview Tuesday, concerning this band, whose fan base tripled in the past year due.In fact, a press conference was scheduled to inform the public of this new information, however other news outlets opted to cover the Super Tuesday Democratic Primaries, rather than pay attention to this vital piece of the capture.

"On December 13, 2003, a special operations team apprehended the war criminal, Sadaam Hussein, after approximately one month of utilizing special tracking equipment.This team, commonly known as Relient K to a percentage of the American population, successfully carried out the mission which the United States government commissioned them to do."

While this official would not elaborate on the "tracking equipment," documents obtained from Gotee Records indicate that the band's latest release, "Deck the Halls, Bruise your Hand" was vital to the operation.

"Track 9- Use as last minute resource for smoking Penguin out of spider hole. May identify with subject matter, and proceed to shout in native tongue accidentally."

The Pentagon official would neither confirm, nor deny the identity of "Penguin" as being Hussein, though a fan of Relient K who is close to the band told The Christian Inquirer, "I once heard Matthew Hoopes saying Sadaam looked like a penguin with that black Gucci suit on!"

According to an employee of Gotee Records, the band made the decision to produce their first Christmas CD after the government requested their aid, though this employee also claims, "They were going to deport Thiessen if the band wouldn't comply."

However, the lead singer of a rival band (who declined to be identified) stated, "It's all a marketing scam! They could've captured that [expletive] leader any day! Coincidence that he was caught a little over a month after Relient K released a new CD? I think not!"

Little is known about the exact events of Hussein's capture, other than what one witness told The Christian Inquirer.

"The band, instruments in tow, stood about 20 feet from Hussein's hole, right? And so they start playing that song we've heard around here for weeks....'Santa Claus Thumbing to Town', or something like that. Anyways, but they change the lyrics, right? To 'Sadaam Hussein's Thumbing to Town.' And for some reason, the lunatic busts out of his spidey hole, and just lays a shiner on that blond guy's face. Lemme tell you, if the Marines hadn't stormed the scene then, that guy might've lost an eye."

Though the true story may never be uncovered, as the Pentagon official put it,

"At least we know that Hussein is safely in custody with his bruised hand. Now if we could just get the Red Cross off our backs, then it will stay that way."

We apologize for the lack of updates. Our crew here at The Christian Inquirer are working on some exciting new stories! Keep an eye out.

-The Staff